Group Therapy

John Boehner, Lady Gaga, Khloe Kardashian and LeBron James are seated together in a circle.

THERAPIST: Welcome to group therapy.  As the therapist, I'm here to guide you, but this is your time to entrust your peers to help you work through your issues.  OK, who would like to start us off?  OK, John, what's on your mind?

BOEHNER: What I think we need to do is talk about how this terrible economy is affecting people.

LADY GAGA: You're really orange.  If you tan any more you're going to be extra tasty crispy, dude!

KHLOE: OMG! I'm in sooo much pain!  I had a nipple firming this morning.

LEBRON: What the fuck is that?

KHLOE: It's when you get collagen injected into your nipple so that it stays hard.

LEBRON: Why would you want your nipple to be stayin' hard like that?

KHLOE: Duh! It totally looks like you're always aroused.  I'm so hoping Lamar will love it!

LEBRON: Oh, excuse me, guys.  There's gonna be a dude coming from ESPN.  He's just chillin' with me so that people can see LeBron James's sensitive side.

BOEHNER: LeBron - is it OK if I call you LeBron? What are you making, $10 million a year not counting endorsements?  Do you know how much youre taxes are going to go up once the Bush tax cuts expire?

LEBRON: So what are you sayin'?

BOEHNER: I'm saying that a Republican president would be better for LeBron James.

LEBRON: It would be better for LeBron James?

BOEHNER: Well, you'll be able to keep more of that "bling" you're getting from endorsements and the league.

LEBRON: Ummm. You don't get paid in" bling."  You use your money to buy bling.  But anyway, this is the first Black president.  I shot hoops with him the other day. [Pause]  But you say I pay less taxes under a Republican?

LADY GAGA: Shit! I just had had a vision.  I need to change one of my costumes.  I can't let my little monsters down!

[She begins singing]

I wanna lift your veil underneath the rocket fire.  Helmand! Oh Helmaaaand!  Twelve-year-old bride, you gotta run away.  Run away to me.

LEBRON: Hey guys.  Just wanted to let you know that my homies Chris and Dwayne are going to be swinging by in a bit.

KHLOE: OMG! I just figured out what I'm going to do for Lamar's birthday!  I'm going to get naked and let him eat sushi off me, just like they do in Japan. 

BOEHNER: Would that be cut roll or nigiri?

LADY GAGA: [Singing] Oh, run, run among the poppies.  Helmand! Oh Helmaaaand! Come to the 6'6" Arab man hiding in this cave.  I'm your only confidant.  Come to me.

LEBRON: My hands are kind of dry.  Does anyone have some Kiehl's hand salve?

KHLOE: [To LeBron] I loooove your loafers!  What are they made out of?

LEBRON: [To Khloe] Oh, these are crocodile, I think.

KHLOE: What's the difference between crocodile and alligator?

BOEHNER: I think we need to refocus and talk about all the illegal immigration going on in this country.

KHLOE: So, can you guys believe that someone wrote that I look like Ms. Piggy on my blog?  Ms. Fucking Piggy?  How cruel is that?

LEBRON: [To Khloe] That's just wrong, girl.  Just wrong. [Pauses] Hey, if you guys were with one sneaker company for a long time, but another sneaker company offered a little bit more, what would you do?

LADY GAGA: [Singing] Love me so gentle, love my kidneys back to life. Helmand!  Oh Helmaaaand!

BOEHNER: So I'm thinking of calling my new yacht Second Surge.  But, really we should be discussing how we're all going to be footing the bill for health care, while the rest of America gets a free pass.

LADY GAGA: [Stands up on her chair and sings] Do Do Do Do, only for.  Do Do Do Do only for you.  Baby can you feel it, Baby can you feel it?  Helmand! Oh Helmaaaand! I will lift your veil beneath the rocket fire. We will roast a lamb in the pyre.  Twelve-year-old-bride run away! Run away to me. Oh, I'll feed you some naan. We'll scream 'fuck the Taliban!"  Let's go far and hide.  I'll even let you drive.  Helmand!  Oh Helmaaaand!  Run among the poppies. I'm kneeling down on my knees.  Come to the 6'6" Arab man.  Tell me how far you ran. [Whispers]  I need you.  I feel you.  Hold me, baby.  Tell me we'll be safe.  Tell me you must hide with me. Love me so gentle, love my kidneys back to life. [Sings loudly]  Helmand!  Oh, Helmaaaand.

LEBRON: I just got a text from my boys.  Does anyone know if Ruth's Christ steakhouse is any good?

BOEHNER: One of the biggest problems in this country is stem cell research.  I think we should really have a discussion about it.

LEBRON [To Boehner] Isn't that when they take healthy cells from a embryo in a test tube and give them to another person to save their life?

BOEHNER: Uhhhhh.  Well, the issue is that embryo is a living thing.

KHLOE: But they don't, like, look like a fetus, do they?  You have to look at them under a microscope, don't you?

BOEHNER: Yes, but that's off topic.  The point is that these are living things.

LEBRON: But you're using them to save a human life though, right?

BOEHNER: Well, yes, that's often the case. But-

LADY GAGA: Oh! I wrote a paper on stem cell research once.  It's like 8 cells when the zygote becomes an embryo.  Stem cells are currently being used to treat many diseases that require the replacement of an organ or brain cells.

KHLOE: I so need to get my waxing done.